


There's Not a Day That I Won't Try

by ephemeralstark



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt Peter Parker, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, James "Rhodey" Rhodes is a Good Bro, Mental Health Issues, Michelle Jones Needs a Hug, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, No MCD, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker Whump, Protective May Parker (Spider-Man), Protective Ned Leeds, Protective Tony Stark, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Worried May Parker (Spider-Man), peter will live
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:13:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27960569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ephemeralstark/pseuds/ephemeralstark
Summary: It was on a rainy Wednesday evening that Peter decided to end his life. He compiled a small list of tasks to complete, of people to make his peace with, before he could finally let himself rest. He had his plans.Those plans just never included an unconventional family, unconditional love, and understanding beyond his wildest dreams.A story of pain, love, and hope.
Relationships: Michelle Jones/Peter Parker, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 7
Kudos: 68





	There's Not a Day That I Won't Try

**Author's Note:**

> please read all the tags and stay safe my lovelies, this one is going to be heavy, it's more of a cathartic fic for me to write and i don't want anyone to trigger themselves with it

“Dude, are you alright?” Ned asked with an air of concern as Peter dropped into his seat at his desk, his body still aching from the fight with The Vulture. “I saw the video of Coney Island and the news reports about Liz’s dad, that looked absolutely insane, and I know you texted saying you were fine but your message was kinda short and nobody - not even you - could walk away from something like that unscathed.” 

“I’m fine, really,” Peter lied, his head pounding from a distinct lack of sleep, “I was just busy getting debriefed by Mr. Stark and May was wanting to spend time with me because you know how Ben’s birthday is coming up.” 

_ Deflect and evade,  _ his mind supplied, it was something he knew how to do well,  _ yeah, big deal, I can manipulate someone who trusts me. I can stop them from realising that I’m completely messed up and using significantly traumatic experiences to evade questioning.  _

“Oh, right,” Ned said quietly, “I should have realised that would be why you’ve missed the last few days. I’m sorry man, I didn't realise that Ben’s birthday was close, how are you?” 

“I’m fine,” Peter said with a forced smile, because really, how could he be fine when he was using his Uncle’s death as an excuse? The real reason he had missed so many days of school was because he couldn't bring himself to get out of bed, he had told himself that he was allowing himself time to heal - but really, he just couldn't do it.

“Alright,” Ned muttered dubiously, “do you guys have any plans?” 

“No, well, not really,” Peter said with a shrug, “we’re probably going to make mac and cheese with little hotdogs in it and watch all of his favourite movies. May even suggested we get his old blanket out of storage which is a huge deal for her.”

“Well, I hope you guys have a good night,” Ned offered, “or as good as you can considering-”

“Boys, if you are both quite finished,” Mrs. Warren was staring at them with a disapproving look on her face as she tapped a foot and waited for them both to look sheepishly at her. 

“Sorry, Mrs. Warren,” Peter said earnestly, hoping that she wouldn't comment on his absence over the last few days. 

“Peter, it’s good to see you back at school, I hope you haven't gotten too used to a life of relaxation,” she said with a raised brow. 

“No, ma’am,” Peter said, knowing better than to mention that despite his absence he had kept up with all his coursework and had read ahead into the next chapter of their textbook, she wouldn't want to hear about that. She would assume he was bragging about doing better on his own than under her instruction. 

One thing he had learned a long time ago was that teachers at STEM schools were ridiculously prideful of their teaching methods and grade averages. 

“Good,” she said, “I’ll expect your homework on my desk at the end of this period. Now, everyone, let’s open our textbooks to page 136 and you’ll see the next topic that we’re going to be covering this semester, I should warn you that I’m currently creating your next test and this is very likely to appear so…”

Peter zoned out, staring out the window at the people going about their day to day life. A man was rushing to work - obviously late despite apparently still having time to stop for coffee - his tie was wafting behind him as he jaywalked across the road and shoved an entire pastry in his mouth. 

A girl was dancing in circles around her stressed looking dad as she sang the words to a childish nursery rhyme mixed with her declarations of excitement for the day ahead at kindergarten. 

Pigeons pecked at the ground around all the people and flapped in annoyance whenever they were forced to move by the footsteps of pedestrians and cars spewed out fumes as they revved their engines impatiently at red lights. 

Was that all there was to life? 

He bit back a sigh and turned his focus to the page in front of him before Mrs. Warren picked up on his distraction and drew Ned’s attention to it - it was a good thing he was so ahead in his classes because he just couldn't concentrate anymore. 

By the time lunch arrived Peter was feeling off, more so than he had been in the morning, it was almost like his mood was deteriorating as the day went on. 

“Come on, dude,” Ned said as he dumped his tray alongside Peter’s, making him jump from the loud clatter that his Spidey-Sense had been unable to warn him of, “you’re not the first one to be dumped.”

“Huh?” Peter asked in confusion. 

“I’m just saying, Liz was pretty and everything, but people get dumped all the time, you can't keep getting caught up over her,” Ned explained and Peter almost wanted to laugh at how off his assumptions were, “I get that it was bad timing with Ben and everything, but maybe it’s better this way.” 

“You think I’m pining for Liz?” Peter wondered. 

“I’m just saying, at least you can say you’ve been dumped,” Ned said, “that’s more than some of us.”

“Not everyone’s date turns out to have a crazy, murderous father though,” MJ said as she took a seat near them, she cast a calculating glance over Peter, one that made him feel weak and exposed, “so, really, Parker, how are you doing?”

“Why do you guys keep asking me that?” Peter asked with a glare that shocked even him, it had appeared seemingly from nowhere. 

“Woah, dude,” Ned said in shock, “chill man, we’re just concerned.” 

“There’s nothing to be concerned about,” Peter snapped as he stood up and swiped his tray from the tabletop, “as you’ve already said, people get dumped all the time, so don't worry about me, everything is fine.” 

“So this isn't about Liz?” Ned wondered.

“Do you have to be so dense?” Peter asked, “why do we have to blame Liz or Ben? Why can't I just have a day where I don't have to smile and make jokes as the rest of the world shits on us?”

He walked away before either of them could respond, afraid that he may have said too much.

_ What am I doing? _ He asked himself as he emptied the contents of his tray into the trashcan and stormed out of the cafeteria with nothing but a confusing sense of anger filling him. 

Why did he feel so strange? Why didn't he seem to care if he upset his friends? Why was he acting like someone he wasn't? 

_ Could  _ it be because Ben’s birthday was approaching? Maybe the guilt he felt about not saving one of his closest confident’s lives when he absolutely had the ability to was getting to him, maybe that was why he kept feeling the ridiculous urge to lash out at everyone and try to push them away. Or possibly he could blame the constant stress he was under as Spider-Man, but how could he without sounding ungrateful? He was honoured to have his Spidey powers, he had no right to complain about the pressure and responsibility that came with it. He could also potentially blame the aches in his bones and the bruises that still hadn't quite faded from a grown man and criminal trying to kill him. 

He had many reasons not to feel perfect, and there were more - the expectations of Mr. Stark, being accused of lying about the internship on a daily basis, the police trying to constantly arrest Spider-Man, lying to his aunt, keeping secrets from everyone he knew. 

And the pressure. The constant unrelenting feeling of damned if he did, damned if he didn't. The population of New York seemed to expect him to be there to save them wherever something bad was happening, but if he did help the police would make a statement about vigilantism and it's negative effects on society while offering a reward for his arrest. If he didn't help people though… the local news reporters’ main headlines would all be ‘where was Spider-Man in our time of need?’. 

He just couldn't win. 

“Uh, Mr. Parker?”

Peter recognised the voice of the principal, a voice that he would normally listen to, that would make him pause and calm down slightly as the fear of being told off by an authority figure overrode the emotions that were fighting within him and creating a confusing and conflicted mess.

“Parker! Peter, you need to stop!” 

But Peter didn't stop, he was out of the doors to the school before Principal Morita had even finished his sentence. 

“Peter, if you leave now we’ll have to inform your emergency contact.”

“Go ahead,” Peter muttered, not loud enough to be heard by anyone, he couldn't bring himself to care. 

Maybe once the strange fog that seemed to have set over him dissipated he would, but for now, he felt invincible. He felt immune to all consequences. He stopped listening to the attempts from his teacher to get him to return to classes and instead broke into a run, leaving the school far behind him as he powered away with no clear destination in mind. 

For a second he felt freer than he had ever felt before in his life. 

_ If only I could run away from all of it,  _ he thought wistfully as he slowed his pace. Minutes blurred into hours and before Peter knew it he was sitting on top of a building looking out at the dwindling sun and feeling a strange sense of emptiness, he just felt so apathetic towards everything. 

_ When did the rain start? _ He wondered as he realised that his curls were soaked to his forehead,  _ why is today so much worse than any other day? Why is it now that everything feels too much? Why can’t I - and Spider-Man - just cease to exist? _

That was it! 

Adrenaline coursed through his veins in a sudden rush as the answer to all of his problems suddenly became so clear. He couldn't feel guilty if he was gone, he wouldn't be sad or apathetic, he wouldn't feel so turbulent, he wouldn't be responsible for so many others, he would finally be able to rest. 

He just had to remove himself from the equation. 

He was the problem. 

But he needed to be sensible about it. May had already lost so much in her life, but she was holding herself back from moving on because of him, so he needed to make sure that she was able to understand how much better off she would be without him. He needed to make his peace with all of his friends and family. He couldn't inflict any more pain on them. 

Pulling out a pen and a notepad from his backpack, he stuck his tongue out from between his teeth and started to scribble out a list. It ended up being ten points long, somehow that seemed like too many and too few things simultaneously, but that was it, once he had ticked off everything he had made a note of, then he could end his life. 

“Suicide,” he whispered to himself, his voice cracking from lack of use as he said the word aloud. 

It scared him a little, it made him afraid to think that he was actually going to do it, he was going to commit to his plan. He couldn't go back though, that small bit of fear was vastly overwhelmed by the utter relief that he felt. There was an end to his suffering, there was an end to the negative effects he had on others. 

There would always be new heroes, maybe he could inspire another kid to take on the burden of Spider-Man, but Peter wouldn't be that kid anymore, he wanted the relief he had already gotten a taste of. He smiled, a genuine smile, as he stood up and stretched before crawling down the building slowly, and began to make his way back home.

Of course, he still had to complete the list, and he needed to figure out how exactly he was planning to kill himself, but for now, he could hold onto the inevitability of death. 

**Author's Note:**

> *insert grimacing emoji here* please dont hate me
> 
> find me on tumblr @[ephemeralstark](https://ephemeralstark.tumblr.com/)


End file.
